Molly and Chris are two working parents who moved to the Netherlands from the US around 4 years ago. Their jobs are demanding, so they needed someone to help hold down the fort when the logistics of having a young child in a busy atmosphere. We sat down together to ask a few questions about their decision to host an au pair.
Why did you choose to host an au pair?
Amanda: I thought maybe you could briefly present yourself, like where you’re from, what you do?
Molly: My name’s Molly, we’re from America. We moved here about 4 years ago, and I work in the technology industry.
Chris: My name’s Chris, I work in nonprofits in civil society, and Eleanor works in daycare [laughter].
A: And why did you decide to choose an au pair?
C: a couple of reasons. One, both of us work full time, and so it’s very helpful to have somebody who can help around getting Eleanor from school, or help her get up in the morning, or just be around if one of us can’t. And then the other thing is, sometimes we both travel for work and it’s nice to have another person to help. Between a kid and a rambunctious dog, it’s helpful.
How was your search for an au pair?
A: Yeah, I can imagine. And did you have certain expectations of an au pair? Did you have a lot of requirements? How did the search for an au pair go?
C: I feel like I had no expectations. Sort of like having a child, I didn’t know what we were getting into. We were looking, I guess, in the end for somebody from Africa, because the Netherlands is very white, as you probably know, and I have an adopted African-American sister. And there was part of it that was just wanting Eleanor to have a little diversity in her life. So that was kind of the only requirement that we had, [also] that they’d maybe done some childcare before, had a sibling, somebody in their family that they helped raise — that sort of thing. But we didn’t have many requirements or expectations. And so far, so good.
How did you know you had a good match?
A: Nice, that’s good to hear. And how did you know it was a good match between you two? Because you had full service, right? So you had different [candidates] proposed to you, how did you know it was a good match?
M: I mean I guess we weren’t sure, right? I feel like you always maybe feel like you’re taking a risk, especially having someone move into your house for a year and take care of your child. I think the thing for me, Abigail was just clearly very very intelligent and I felt like she knew how to represent herself and her interests, and that was important to me. I thought that signaled a good match for us, that she’d be willing to advocate for herself and do that, so that we could work through any problems that might develop and things like that.
A: And did you have a lot of calls before you decided on it?
M: Not many… Two?
A: And were you nervous about how it was going to go with Eleanor, if she was going to have a good bond with Abigail?
M: I wasn’t really worried about that to be honest.
C: No, Eleanor’s pretty sociable after the first couple minutes, so not so much.
What are the biggest advantages of having an au pair?
A: And what would you say so far, at least, are the biggest advantages of having an au pair?
M: I mean, as we said what we were looking for was having another set of hands sometimes — in particular, when there’s only one of us at home if the other’s traveling. I think also having someone who’s around who’s maybe more patient with Eleanor at times we might be kind of exhausted or something. You know, it’s nice that she has someone that she feels is like a friend rather than a parent sometimes to play with.
Have you had any challenges in having an au pair?
A: I can imagine. Did you have any challenges or so far it’s all smooth sailing?
C: We haven’t had challenges, no.
A: Have you ever had a nanny before or is this the first time?
C: This is the first time.
M: Yeah we had a little bit of a nanny who came by during the day before Eleanor started daycare also, but it was a very different experience.
A: Yeah because I know that, for example, a lot of host families are scared initially of losing their privacy because you have another person in your home.
M: I mean that was something that I was definitely worried about, but I don’t feel like it’s been a big problem actually.
C: No, thankfully we all go to bed early so it works out.
How has your experience been with cultural differences?
A: Nice, I’m glad to hear. Alright, and of course Abigail speaks fluent English as well, but were you nervous at like any language barrier or did you want her to learn another language as well? Did that play a part in your search?
C: It didn’t play a part in our search. Abigail has been studying German as well since she’s been here, so she could probably tell you more about that but no, language has not been a problem.
M: I think the only concern I had was if she really wanted to learn Dutch really well that we just wouldn’t be the right… [We wouldn’t be] able to provide that experience for her. Since au pairs in the Netherlands can only stay for a year and can’t come again, it hasn’t been really important for her [to learn].
A: And culture wise? You said you’d been to Nairobi so maybe you were familiar with the culture already before. Were there any cultural shocks?
C: I wouldn’t say “shocks.” I would say that there are some differences in how people approach discipline, and we may be a little stricter sometimes, and that’s just something that, as Molly said, is also somewhat of a benefit at times to have a person who may end up feeling more like a friend sometimes than a parent. So, that’s good, ultimately, but that’s something that we certainly talked about a little bit just how much space before you really say, “No, you can’t do that.” So, that was the only thing culturally.
Do you have any house rules or specific boundaries with your au pair?
A: And do you talk about that together? Do you have certain house rules maybe or things that are important for you in raising Eleanor?
C: We talk about it. And I mean we do have house rules, the sort of normal things. Try not to play by the stairs too much, these sorts of things. Certain places that you shouldn’t play, or leave the dog alone when the dog is eating, this kind of thing. But I don’t think we have anything extraordinary.
M: We have some rules which are safety related which we are very strict on, and then other things which are maybe preferences that we’re maybe more flexible on. And kind of wait and see how things are and then make a decision to kind of make it a house rule.
A: And how do you set boundaries as a host family with the au pair? I don’t know if you have for example certain rules of friends being invited over or how do you do that?
M: Maybe this helps with the privacy. I hear some [au pairs] have romantic relationships and other things. It was very important. It was a strict house rule for us not to bring any romantic relationships home. And we didn’t want anyone who wasn’t an au pair friend maybe to know where she’s staying and the house, just to avoid any potential problems.
C: We’ve also been fairly fine with if she has a friend who wants to come over, that’s fine. It hasn’t really happened, but it’s fine.
How did people in your surroundings respond to you having an au pair?
A: And how has it been for your surroundings? I don’t know if you guys knew anyone already that had an au pair but I know in the Netherlands it can be a little bit of a taboo or it’s only for very rich people for example . How has it been for you?
C: It hasn’t come up. No, nobody’s said anything.
M: I know people back in the states that have had au pairs. That have been in similar both parents are working intense jobs and things like that. So that was the example that i had before but we don’t know anybody here who has an au pair in our circle.
A: So for your surroundings, they’ve responded positively?
C: Yeah, nothing’s come up.
How did you decide to continue with the au pair program?
A: Nice, glad to hear! So yeah, you’ve decided to go for a second au pair after Abigail leaves. Was that a hard decision for you?
C: No, it was pretty obvious. I mean, especially until Eleanor’s in school and a little bit more able to participate in afterschool programs and those types of things. Our life situation hasn’t changed, so we still very much value some support and partnership.
A: And did you go for full service again?
C: Yes, we did.
A: And where’s your next au pair going to be from?
C: Nepal.
A: Oh that’s very different culturally! Did you have any specific reasons for that or was it just a good match.
M: I think you all sent us… I think the set included like two from Nepal at first, and we were like, “Oh! Maybe that’s a good idea.”
C: Yeah, different part of the world on purpose. You know, different perspective and a different voice and culture in Eleanor’s childhood, and that’s it!
Why Nina.care?
A: Yeah I think it’s very nice and she will also learn a lot of new things because it’s nice that you of course also learn the au pair’s culture, habits, yeah. And why did you choose Nina.care?
C: We looked at a couple of other agencies and Nina.care was both the most local and I think was the easiest to work with from the beginning.
A: Glad to hear. Would you recommend the au pair program to other families as well?
C: Yeah!
Is there any advice you’d give parents who are considering hosting an au pair?
A: Lastly, I’m curious if there’s any advice you’d give to host families that either have an au pair or are considering getting an au pair.
C: I mean, you will have somebody living in your home. It is an adjustment. and it does impact certain things like if you need to travel as a family and you’re thinking about vacations. If you have a dog and you have a pet to think about, you know, it’s another person in your life that you’re responsible for to some extent. And that is something to consider, it’s not as if you let somebody move in with you and then you never have to think about them again. They’re a part of your family.
M: I feel like in some ways having an au pair also just forces you as parents to re-evaluate and talk about the house rules and things we do in a way that.. I don’t know, sometimes it is easier and sometimes it’s harder. You’re faced with them more clearly. That’s not really advice.
C: No, but it’s a good point. I think sometimes as parents when you’re parenting it can be challenging to talk through things like rules for various reasons. But when there’s another persona around and you have to talk about them and figure these things out, it can help. It’s an interesting forcing function.
A: Those were my questions, I don’t know if you have anything else you want to share?
C: If you do get an au pair, start bike lessons early.
M: Yeah, that’s true.
C: Even if they think they know how to ride a bike, it’s the Netherlands.
M: Everybody’s like, “Oh I know how to ride a bike,” and then riding a bike here I think is… very different. On the one hand, more rules, more organized, but also very chaotic. So… You know.
Hosting an au pair from another culture has enriched Molly, Chris, and their daughter Eleanor’s lives in a way that most people don’t get to experience! It’s fantastic that they get to thrive in their busy lifestyle and prepare their daughter to become a global citizen.